I am in a vortex of obligation.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
