Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
