i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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