Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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