Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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