Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
