Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
how does that bad decision feel?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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