What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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