Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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