I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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