She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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