Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
