Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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