Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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