Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I smell stomach acid.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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