ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Randomize
