my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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