You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
