we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
