The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
