Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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