1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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