Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Randomize
