oh god the rape fog is back!
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
