sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
