He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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