Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
