I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
