M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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