it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
