Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
