Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
