so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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