he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
