Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
bring money and cleavage
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
