I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
