Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
