oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
