cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
