I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There r osticjed everywhere
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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