Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You can't special order awesome
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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