listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
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