i need an iv and a liver transplant
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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