yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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