At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
