Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
