i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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