Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
