You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize