im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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