i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
