Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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