Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
