i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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