I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
