I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
